Fosterhood in NYC

Clementine is eating more than Sandy these days- expecting a...

Clementine is eating more than Sandy these days- expecting a growth spurt.

The perfect wedding reception would have a power nap room with little cots and warmed sheets.

The perfect wedding reception would have a power nap room with little cots and warmed sheets.

Deepa said this one's for the blog. Eager to get back...

Deepa said this one's for the blog.

Eager to get back home to the baby ladies. Can't even drink- too stressful. Logan's got the girls so they're beyond fine. Hopefully when they get older I'll be able to enjoy a night out?

Giant congrats to Deeps and Ben!! The priest did a lot of...

Giant congrats to Deeps and Ben!! The priest did a lot of procreation talk and the baby ladies will need some friends. so get on that. ;)

Deepa’s wedding tonight (yay!), but it’ll be my first time not being home to put the...

Deepa’s wedding tonight (yay!), but it’ll be my first time not being home to put the baby ladies to bed.  Logan’s put Sandy to sleep for me a few times but I’ve always been home.  Kind of sad.

I used to get annoyed when people would bail on events citing their kids (‘get a sitter’, ‘one night away isn’t going to kill anyone’) but I’m starting to sort of understand… so glad they’re going to New Mexico with me next week!

Describing the Twiblings

I'm at a loss at how to describe the girls these days without making comparisons. I make comparisons constantly- Asia and I talk about it all of the time and so do my friends. It's so natural to say ______ is the super chill one and _______ is the high maintenance one. I don't want that kind of thing to stick. They're going to change a million times over, but people (myself included) really hold on to descriptions of themselves from when they were babies. One is snuggly one isn't, one is hilarious, the other is more pensive. One can concentrate for a long period of time, the other bounces off the walls. Etc etc.

I was an only child until my brother was adopted when I was 12 and was one of those ‘little mothers’ more than a sister. I know nothing about siblings except that the word rivalry usually follows. Trying to parent two girls the same age to be self-confident individuals with unique identities that are true to who they are- well that scares the shit out of me.

Any good books? Advice? Websites? Why are some sisters so close but others don't get along even as adults?

I think I can officially say now that Clementine laughs louder than Sandy.

I think I can officially say now that Clementine laughs louder than Sandy.

Comic Relief

Lauren told me about @everygentrifier on Twitter.  The further I go back, the funnier it gets.

Wow, straight from the ACS Commissioner's mouth

Per Wall Street Journal Article:

Mr. Richter, the ACS commissioner, said the campaign is part of a push by the city to find foster-care parents with more education and resources as well.

"Our goal is to target New Yorkers who themselves have experienced success with education and want to share that love of learning," he said. "We're interested in foster parents who themselves are working and have found success in work."

Foster parent education level and working vs. stay-at-home status have been a hotly debated topic for us on the blog. I've always heard this was the zeitgeist at ACS but I never found anything official. Thoughts?

Sandy does this new thing where she rolls Clementine on her side...

Sandy does this new thing where she rolls Clementine on her side to eat her hair (Clemmie kind of likes it). Things will get really interesting in another couple of months when Clemmie is more mobile.

Had a sweet moment with Clementine's sister tonight. She brought the necklace I gave her to the...

Had a sweet moment with Clementine's sister tonight. She brought the necklace I gave her to the visit for the first time. It was tangled and she asked me to help her undo it. I showed her a trick of sticking pen tips in the knots to loosen them and she was able to do it herself.

Did I ever mention that Clemmie's sister and I got off to a bad start? In January her mom introduced me to her as "Rebecca, the lady who is going to take this baby" and pointed at her stomach. Mom said it positively but what a mindfuck thing to hear. The little girl glared at me and walked away. I was stunned but situations like this happen one after another at visits and I can't begin to keep up. I'm glad she's warming up to me.

Feeling excited about going to Clementine's visit tonight

Weird, right? All day I've been listing off the fun, new things about Clementine that I want to tell her birth parents and family.

Maybe it's because in this case the parents want me to have their baby. They don't care how she's dressed or jump to conclusions if she has a scratch. Maybe it's just because of the shift in power? Not sure, but it's a nice change.

You know how you give a baby a lime or lemon just to be...

You know how you give a baby a lime or lemon just to be entertained by their reaction? Well, Sandy was one step ahead of me. She never flinched. She snatched the lime out of my hand and devoured it like she had scurvy. I've already googled "how much lime can a baby have?"

I picked up the girls from the foster agency last night and Asia...

I picked up the girls from the foster agency last night and Asia had dressed Sandy in a hooded track suit AND the infamous necklace. Not going to post the photo to incite but the funny part to me was that Clementine was dressed like the above. Soo white girl.

Snap

I finally listened to the rest of Snap’s mom’s messages and called her back.  She said that she just saw Snap and she’s put a motion in to court to have her rights reinstated (I learned that it can happen if a child’s not adopted yet).  She went on and on about how she wasn’t given a chance. 

When she finally took a breath, I tried a little reality testing which was unsuccessful.  I asked her to consider what’s best for Snap, encouraged her that Snap is with an amazing family and suggested she focus on her current baby (pregnancy).  All of this led up to her wanting me to go shopping with her for Snap.  I started to have flashbacks and shut it down fast.  I can already picture us at the register and her being short money- asking me to spot her.  I suggested that we meet up for coffee instead but her mind was on a mission to convince me that she should have Snap back.

As soon as we got off the phone, I called Snaps foster mom and was all “Is he not legally adopted yet!?” Ironically enough, I get on her about poor boundaries with Snap’s mom.  Several times in the past she’s put money in her prison account, bought her cartons of cigarettes, all of those things that I draw the line on.

Snap’s official, official, super finale official adoption court date is next week.  His foster/adopt mom invited me to come.  I said yes and offered to take photos.  She lamented that she didn’t bring anyone to her other sons adoption to take photos. Then I realized I would be in New Mexico.  Such a huge, huge bummer.  I offered to find a friend to go and at least take photos.  Rachel, who was also at Snap’s baptism with me would totally go if she weren’t in San Francisco.

On the L train today.

On the L train today.

And then the bigger question always hanging

… in the air is- should fostering be a professional paid job (doesn't the U.K. do this?) or volunteer?

After all this, I still haven't come down on one side. I definitely think all of the last minute appointments, bazillion emergency phone calls and unsupported (or just lack of skill) duty of forging [lifetime- depending on which model you follow] relationships with birth parents is too much to ask for a volunteer. So, is it a professional that is needed- who has years and years of experience but not open to adding to their family?

Maybe there could be para-professionals that support the foster parents? I know, I know it would just add more work and problems to the system.

I watched the documentary "Born Rich" this weekend and kept wondering why I automatically assume that very wealthy people would never foster…

I'm so fascinated by the polar thoughts people have on the foster care stipend which in nyc is a...

I'm so fascinated by the polar thoughts people have on the foster care stipend which in nyc is a little under $600 per healthy kid. Some think it's too much (e.g. 'Foster parents do it for the money') and some think its not enough (e.g. The NYSCCC suing the city for more).

If there are people doing it just for the money, they could take all of the money and just have the kids half time by babysitting (like Asia and I worked out). This way people who couldn't do it in the city because of childcare costs could have a win-win.

This is naive right? But why doesn't this happen?

The only way I've been able to get Sandy and Clementine in the...

The only way I've been able to get Sandy and Clementine in the same photo is by putting them together in the crib. Clementine is starting to like Sandy's love pats.

Sandy’s two bottom teeth popped through this weekend- gotta take lots of toothless photos...

Sandy’s two bottom teeth popped through this weekend- gotta take lots of toothless photos before she has a full set!